Becoming a Resilient Listener and Speaker
We are terrible listeners. And it’s getting worse.
Do I have your attention now?
As a leader, manager, or member of a team, one of the most difficult challenges we face today is a polarized workforce; an environment where we align with one side and speak disparagingly about the “other.” We see this in our larger culture, where the dominance of social media has led to a decrease in civility and contributed to even more separation between people. In the best of times, faculty and administrators have a healthy tension, where differences in perspective become an asset to a stronger shared mission. Learning to listen is part of the solution.
The workplace is full of opinions. When one is expressed, others react with automatic responses (I like, I dislike, I agree, or I disagree). Then counter-opinions are given. We learn nothing from these exchanges except who is good at dominating others.
Listening is also not what happens when someone offers you a positive or negative assessment. “You did a great job,” evokes a good feeling and the habitual thank you. “You did a poor job” causes the inverse reaction and a defensive posture that shows your dissatisfaction. We rarely get beyond these reactions.
The consequences of this narrow form of listening are low trust, poor coordination, and a general sense that we can’t be open with each other.
There is another way!
Productive listening is leaning in - showing interest in why an opinion or assessment is expressed, whether the statement is positive or negative.
“You have a bad attitude.”
“You are not stepping up in the role.”
“You are a great manager.”
“You don’t collaborate well with my team.”
“That was a great meeting.”
Each one of these pronouncements produces an initial good or bad feeling in the listener, somewhere between Thank you and F-you.
What if instead, we learn to recognize these responses as automatic, take a breath, and provide a different but intentional response:
"You shared I did a great job. I’m curious, why do you say that?”
“You’re not happy with my performance. Can you say more?”
“I’m glad to hear we’re meeting your expectations. Can you give us an example where this is the case?”
In the moment of hearing an opinion or judgement, people rarely bring this kind of curiosity. But when we embody the practice of digging into judgements versus simply reacting to them, positive and negative assessments become the means for growth.
In our recent work with an IT department, we began by having the entire group practice responding with curiosity to fictitious opinions. This got them warmed up before hearing real assessments. We then invited them to offer genuine concerns about each other. One team expressed to another “your Help Desk Team is slow to respond to customer tickets.” Having practiced responding with curiosity in the fictitious exercise, the Help Desk Team responded with “can you share more about that?” In the ensuing conversation, the team discovered a breakdown in their Help Desk process that caused these delays.
This simple act of exploring an assessment led to a direct improvement that would have otherwise been invisible to the team. The conversation also produced a real moment of trust in the group, where they discovered they can hear a negative assessment and have something positive come from it. Cultivating resiliency shows up in these small but important moments.
The next time someone shares an opinion in a meeting, ask them “can you say more?” Integrating this practice across your teams will build trust, uncover deeper issues, and become an essential practice for creating an inclusive culture.
Reach out to us:
If you’re interested in transforming your team’s capability to be resilient and have difficult and productive conversations, reach out to us at info@teibelinc.com.
